Recent events have shown me again how ingrained patterns can interfere with intuition. We may be born with a strong capacity for intuition or we may develop that along the way.
This story has to do with what happens when you don’t listen to intuition.
I was born an empath, an HSP (highly sensitive person), a clairvoyant, and a seer. I was also born with the ability to have premonition regarding certain days. In my childhood, I did not realize for the life of me, that I was picking up the emotional climate of the room like a radio station. I had no idea I was feeling others fear. I had no idea I was seeing the future. I was not able to decipher my own intuition fully, but I knew that I knew something.
I certainly heard all of the crazy ideas that were coming into my head, and quickly learned to ignore them.
In fact, I learned how to protect myself by shutting down systems and becoming “crazy” in a different way. I developed self doubt by not listening to what was inside of me. Fear and anxiety developed with no recourse to stop it. When I did learn to stop it, it wasn’t because I was consciously working on not absorbing others emotions. It was a by-product of my work with presence, sensation and the resulting embodiment that provided the necessary boundary.
I believe most of us have shut off these innate gifts in order to survive.
The Work showed me how to take responsibility for my part in the whole affair.
Those needed boundaries came with my work to separate myself from the chaos within and see it as attachment. I still do not believe that empaths should blame others for their plight. They are responsible for understanding what to do once they see what and why they are taking on what they are taking on.
The more free I became from my own patterns and identified states, the more my capacity for a deeper claircognizance blossomed. I came into an unimaginable level of seeing and knowing. My powers as a child were nothing compared to this. I was able to live in many dimensions with my newfound freedom. I would simply know what to do, what to say, or how to decide. It was more than claircognizance.
I learned of what real choice is made.
I could choose easily not to take on others’ burdens because I was free of the belief that that was my duty, my plight, or my role. That freedom allowed me to see that for most of my life I was unable to make clear and unfettered decisions.
Every choice was colored by what others thought and needed. Nothing was free of my need for love and approval, absolutely nothing. All were ripe with self doubt.
This is actually not just the plight of an empath. This is the plight of us all.
Only until I could see that flavor behind everything I did and said, did it become crystal clear that I was not free at all to live my life through Will and my own connection to God. God was outside of me. Teams of guides on which I relied were outside of me. Reality was outside of me.
The awakening of my own Heart Mind was the beginning of a new life in which each choice rebuilt me, and I remembered who I Am. Each step in life became the discovery of hidden treasures within.
I could remember deeply that God was me and I could directly choose.
I learned how I had sacrificed all of my gifts in order to survive in what I considered “ordinary conditions”. These ordinary conditions are another form of insanity to which we all must acclimate. Once I saw the horror of the situation, I realized just how much of myself I had truly given up to be able to exist here.
Before all of this, I also learned not to listen to that voice of intuition and knowing. I have since codified many forms of knowing and systems of “clair this and clair that”.
Having said all of this, recent occurrences have illuminated that when I don’t follow those “knowings”, it is a greater sin. The consequences rank higher. The hindsight smarts just a little.
I just bought a car Saturday, not because I wanted to, but because I had to.
In early summer, I had expensive repairs done to my nine year old paid off mini cooper. At that time, my intuition told me to speak to the sales department about a trade-in and certified pre-owned options. My car had a value of about $5,400 on the trade. My radar was saying trade it, but then I went against my better judgement after I talked to my husband about it. He was of the mind to ride it out and keep the car.
Now this story is not to implicate or blame my husband. It is to illustrate the moment in which I wrestled within myself.
It is a struggle that I know well and a battle I lost most of the time until I learned through attrition, to trust myself regardless of what anyone else thinks.
Sometimes this struggle took on massive proportions and grave importance, for instance, when it came to leaving an abusive relationship, saying no as a sexual assault survivor or even taking a financial risk.
In the end, small decisions of whether to listen within and use my own good mind or defer to others’ opinions became the work of my life.
Self doubt was my pervasive atmosphere. Achieving these small steps allowed me to see the phenomenon within myself. Those inner struggles created force within me. By force, I mean a change in energetic capacity. It tipped the scales to allow me to see.
I discovered myself one struggle at a time.
This particular decision about the car caught me in pattern which is seemingly a diehard entity. It is a life theme, chief feature, and mega karmic conundrum. I make great strides and achieve more freedom and also incur everyday setbacks which illuminate so much.
I didn’t trade in the car.
Last week I found myself with $5,400.00 of repairs for the mini, and that number was not lost on me. It was almost hauntingly funny as if life were playing a joke on me. Insurance would only pay for the extensive water damage from a crack in the sunroof which was unknowingly seeping water everywhere in my car, until I noticed the carpets were wet in the back and the seatbelt smelled like old fish.
I was left with an untenable bill and a risk of more electrical damage. The car would be traded in.
In all those negotiations that I did on my own, the car was reduced to $1,200, only four months after I had decided not to trade it in.
I did not move into the should have mode, but I remembered fiercely that very real and digested moment of overriding my own intuition. I remembered the oh so familiar feeling of relenting to the opinion of another. I was learning right in this moment too of how this residual part of myself still has some tiny vestige of life in it. Aside from the fact that hindsight is 20/20, I grasped something more within myself.
Sometimes life’s common occurrences knock you right back into knowing there is always work to do.
Let me know how you are dealing with your own self doubt. Do you notice when pleasing others overrides what you want to do?
I look forward to hearing from you.