Life transitions are tough and we often ruminate for a long time before taking action. Sometimes it means leaving something you love or something you have been dedicated to, and sometimes it means extracting yourself from an unhealthy situation. Under any circumstance, if you have been involved in something for a long time, it takes preparation to leave.
It often feels risky and fearful because you are leaving some form of security, healthy or otherwise.
It is hard to say goodbye even if you know it is the right thing to do.
I recently left a job of fourteen years as an accompanist for the Seattle Girls Choir. It was a joyful and fulfilling period of my life, but I started to see signs pointing me in the direction of leaving. I was already pouring energy into sound healing, accompanying the Gurdjieff movements in groups other than my own as well as traveling. I had been entertaining the idea of leaving for a year.
The Universe started speaking loudly when I was offered jobs in Egypt, Greece, and other places in the states as a pianist and a sound healer. Those traveling gigs fell on the same dates as concerts and camp with SGC. That had never happened before, so what was actually happening?
I read those events as signs of confirmation to leave.
I began to reflect on the question of intention, energy, and manifestation.
When you want to leave something, your energy sends out feelers. You are opened up to other possibilities. For example, if you are in an unsatisfying relationship and feel you want to leave, you open yourself up to other people. Or you may be in a problematic relationship but commit to working it through. That sends a different kind of energy into the relationship.
If you are in conflict with your intentions, you will have a splintered and ambiguous experience in which the end result may not feel like the one you intended. For example, you may have the desire to improve a relationship but also a stronger unconscious desire to end it. When the marriage falls apart, there is a feeling of failure. It will feel like things did not work out as it was intended.
Conflicting intentions often exist outside of your scope of awareness, so it is important to search, discover, and then acknowledge this within yourself. Otherwise, situations string out much longer than you want and cause stress and pain. You feel as if life is not offering up what you are intending it to be.
Perhaps you are merely tolerating a mediocre experience instead of trusting that there is something better for you. Out of fear, you remain in an unfulfilling or codependent situation far too long until the “pain” becomes normalized. Your energy is not sending out feelers for something else.
Like a frog in a boiling pot, you become accustomed to adverse circumstances.
There will remain, however, a subterranean dissatisfaction with life. You will not easily manifest that which is in alignment with your heart. Somewhere within you will be longing for something better, along with the inability to open toward that possibility.
The conflicting desires that rest hidden within you will also hinder more appropriate opportunities from showing up.
You may even know that you need something new and search for a better situation only to find nothing. There are hidden fears and conflicting intentions hiding within you.
Bringing light to unconscious fears and false beliefs will help integrate your essence, allowing you to take greater risks and open to the flow of something bigger. What you thought was impossible starts to fall into your lap.
You become a vehicle for something more than your own ego, which either believes somewhere within that you are worthless, or that its someone else’s fault.
This takes the work of observing the conflicts of personality within yourself in a way that brings about essence cohesion. Essence can hold clear intention, and thus allow manifestation on a new level.
Personality, the opposite of essence, is developed in you in order to survive, but unfortunately, it hinders your ability to have a clear intention that is in alignment with your essence.
Personality has hundreds of different motives and desires and is often the basis for your dissatisfaction in life. To live from personality is to satisfy the parts of yourself that may be very identified with not being enough, not feeling loved, or being abandoned to name a few. This is how you can have one desire or intention and carry the opposite one just as strongly.
Bringing those conflicting desires to light is the work that allows you to flow with your greater purpose.
It brings the possibility of fulfilling relationships and opportunities. It brings about breakthrough, conflict resolution, and joy. If you know you have outgrown a job or a relationship, ask yourself why you are staying. Even if you can answer that logically, you must explore the deeper reasons.
If you are sustaining abuse or know that you are being treated as a second class citizen, what is actually holding you back from taking action?
If you are staying in a comfort zone, but feel there is something more you want to do, what kind of first steps are you willing to take?
If you are actively looking for something else, and nothing presents itself, what is the hidden fear that you are not acknowledging?
What are you not admitting to yourself?
These questions are a first step only. The next one is learning to see within.