Molly’s Blog.

A Portal Of Understanding

The present moment is a portal of Understanding, ripe with possibility and potential.

Through it, I can enter a world of hazard in the form of pure potentiality and access what was previously inaccessible. In other words,the present moment brings about choice.

Divine Will enters through choice.

If the true ability to choose facilitates Will entering my world as action, then I work to enter into those present moments of understanding in order for that to happen. The present moment allows me to see my own conditioning, and gives me the opportunity to act in advance of the take over of said conditioning.

I have found that doing the work of leaning into the present moment has provided me with countless opportunities of this kind.  Each time I participate in this seeing and enter the portal of Understanding, I can choose.

My level of freedom is revealed by my ability to choose in a given moment.

When my system is in conditioned override, I am powerless to do that and must therefore, struggle in an effective way.

Conditioning is almost like being in suspended animation. My logical brain sees my particular action as unskillful or undesirable, but I am unable to choose in the moment how to be. I act in a habitual pattern and can’t escape. I then regret the action, thinking it was a bad decision in the moment, when in fact, it was not a decision at all, but an incapacity to choose.

I have worked with certain themes or chief features for many years, uncovering subtle persistent layers that have kept me from having appropriate responses with others. These responses range from lack of healthy boundary to the inability to claim my right to space or even my own existence in no uncertain terms.

I have in the process watched reactions disappear. I have witnessed the growing strength within me taking charge where there was none. I have challenged my own fears of leadership. However, just when I thought I had uncovered the base layer, something arises within me in a given moment or interaction in which I am powerless to act as I know I want to.

For me, it most commonly manifests in the inability to say no. A recent incident provided massive understanding into a phenomenon that has its last vestiges of power over me. It surprised me and caught me off-guard.  

I saw the mechanism in action in a way I have never seen before.

I knew and recognized that it was a “flavor” of an experience that has happened over and over in my lifetime. Suddenly in this portal of Understanding, I could connect all the experiences and understand the takeover of the conditioning.

However, this time I recognized the finesse with which it was working within me.

It appeared in a tiny insignificant moment relative to life, but it also became one of the greatest moments of understanding. It was a portal of Understanding and Grace.

I can to explain to you from a logical perspective that as a survivor of sexual abuse, things became hard wired in the department of lack of personal boundary, and the inability to say no. I may be able to explain to you that the limbic system overrides the logic of the cerebral cortex again and again when inconsequential events trigger its response of freeze within me. I may be able to explain the illogical perception that somehow I am not accepted if I don’t do what people want me to do.

I may be able to know from reading about these subjects, or working with my own clients for many years, that all of us create coping mechanisms that can last a lifetime.  These mechanisms are a result of the need to survive. However, we can’t do much with working to disable them simply by intellectually understanding them.

I have to work to know them in the moment, through consistent work with awareness to allow the awakening of my consciousness. I only know the dissolution of this mechanism by recognizing it in the moment from a completely different place within me. Doing this, I reclaim and integrate “I Am” until it becomes substantial enough to act.

This is how I chip away at the mechanism.

As I do this, something gradually takes the place of said mechanism.

From this new found freedom, I remain vigilant for any remnants that appear in subtle tones.

Catching myself on this level makes way for large quantum leaps.

In this sense, saying no to a relatively small thing can remake me.

Let me know of situations in which you were powerless to act in ways that you wanted to. What is the predominant mechanism in your life? How are you working with it?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Love,

Molly

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3 Comments

  1. Thank you for this, and all of the posts you have written about energetic patterns. I am beginning to understand more about my coping mechanisms and my energetic patterns. Bringing these tendencies to light is helping me to see them more as they are happening. For example, the right to take up space, ask for what I want/need, saying no/boundaries, and the need to be accepted/gain approval by others are a few areas where I struggle.

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  2. As Michele said in an earlier comment, I too have learned very much from your writings on energetic types and boundary. It is helpful to hear of your experience with this. For my work lately, I have been watching tensions in my body during meditation and when and where those tensions arise in moments of life. From time to time, depending on my energetic state, I find and see myself locked in patterns of anxiety. When I’m able to line up my centers and catch these inside a moment with sensation present, I experience a deep understanding of myself, like a snapshot of a part of my “not I” that I’ve been struggling with. These moments create a release of stuck energies and allow me to move on with a new understanding of self. I’ve come to know more about this process each time I experience such an event. Thank you for your teachings.

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  3. Oops. I accidentally submitted my last comment before I was finished editing and answering your questions. A situation in which I have been struggling to act: when anger is expressed toward me, I tend to experience extreme fight or flight and have in the past, had a hard time getting past my fear in order to stay in my body and speak. Several times in the past 6 months, although my words have been garbled a bit and my tongue felt tied, I was able to express my words clearly and firmly enough to be heard and set boundary. In one incident recently, by staying firmly in my own body and expressing compassionate boundary, the anger of the other person dissolved. He was not able to maintain the negative state. It was a miraculous moment. My primary mechanisms are fear of being alive, need for love and right to take up space. Thanks to this school I’m aware of these patterns in myself as you’ve described in these blogs and am able to practice sensation in the moment to build up my real inner self. I now authentically desire to live and thrive and am seeing myself take up more and more space. I’m also working with asking myself “how can I serve?” or “how can I help”, rather than focusing on feelings of helplessness. I am guessing from this article that I will always be working with these themes as a lifelong practice.

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