Transitions are hard… period.
Whether you are going through divorce, having your first baby, or sending your last child to college, each situation brings longing, fear, and the weirdest sense of anticipation.
I am trying not to live in the future, in which i imagine the day I leave my daughter at college. I have already done this twice with my other children but it never fails to feel somewhat final. This time it is the last time I will do it. A sense of finality has come over me. A way of life that I have lived for 27 years will no longer be the same.
Everyone tells me I will be fine. I will forget about the way it was in no time. In fact, I will probably love it. Right now, I lean into the poignancy, the tendency to tears, and the raw feeling I simply cannot shake. Sometimes I wander around the house wondering how life will be. I won’t need to get people here or there, be available for endless concerts and games, make snacks for you name it event.
With parenting comes a special kind of sacrifice. I am more than accustomed to changing the plans I had for myself in midstream. I have come to accept that certain things take priority, that I might not get to practice today or I have to give up my agenda.
I have learned how to have better boundaries and not cave into every desire and whim. I am not a martyr mom. However, I do things for them, for their security and their growth. Every parent knows what I am talking about.
My heart feels full to think of the success each one of my children has experienced. They are equipped for life. That moment they walk away on their own is a stupendous event. Life goes on, and that transition is standing before me again for the last time, needing attention. I don’t want to bury myself in work or distraction. I want to sit in this feeling of deep love, sadness, and gratitude.
It isn’t final like death or a clean cut like divorce. It’s a shift in relationship. It’s a lifestyle change and more. I am having difficulty articulating why it is so meaningful. I don’t feel old and I have plenty to do. I have books to write and CD’s to record.
I will miss the hugs, the tears, the laughs and the high fives. I will miss deep questions and snuggles in a warm bed. I will miss the beautiful time my daughter and I share on the fly.
I am looking at the end of an era, closing the chapter, and moving on.
Please let me know your experience with this. I would love to hear how it went for you.